ants vs beals

Is anyone else having ant troubles?  We are generally pretty clean people (although at times it looks like we've been robbed, but that is RARE people) so I'm shocked that we have ants in our home.  I hate them...they are tiny and pretty non-threatening, but when they are marching in their creepy straight line and there is no actual entry point which I can see...I have to think they are teeny-tiny, miniature aliens who have outsmarted the human race.  Have you ever really seen what an ant looks like?

Ant traps.  They suck.

Ant spray.  Stinks and it sucks.

Obsessive vacuuming.  Hard on the back when you're prego.

Toxic household cleaner.  Toxic and wasteful...I'd rather use my 409 to clean the sink, not drown ants.

Professionals.  Overpaid and clearly not useful.

What the hell are we supposed to do?  The Husband found some ant hills in front of our front yard...so pretty far from the house if you were an ant.  He poured gasoline down each hole and lit it on fire while our 4 year old neighbor cheered him on.  Did they come back?  Yes, and they were probably pretty pissed.  Holy shit, one just crawled across my laptop screen.  Gross!

How can one possible keep out the smallest aliens on the planet?  We can't seal every possible hole that might exist around our 104 year old house...that is crazy.  We can't be the only ones with this problem, right? 

People...I'm begging you...give me ant solutions!!! 

ants 1: beals 0